Ill, Hot & Far Out

By Ashley Lister

I’m sick. Yet I still write. I think I write because I’m sick.

Sick. [Please note, as I say the word ‘sick’ here, I’m accompanying it with a rapper’s gesture, the third and fourth finger of my right hand tucked into my palm, little finger and index finger pointed out, and my hand moving in a 450 angle from my right nipple down to my left hip]. I’m totally sick, and I’ve been sick for the last couple of years: ever since the word became slang meaning good.

Before I became sick I was tight. And before being tight I was either wicked or bad. My memory is whack at the moment. My memory used to be meh, and before that it was pants. But right now it’s whack.

Before being sick and being tight, possibly during the popularity of Austin Powers movies, I was groovy. I had been groovy a long time before that, but I don’t wish to show my age. I’ve been easy, far out, fine and filthy. Back in the day when Mutant Ninja turtles were popular I teetered between being awesome and gnarly. I’ve been cool and hot, and possibly every slang temperature in between.

A century ago I might have been the cat’s pyjamas, or its whiskers. I’d like to think I would also have been the bee’s knees around that time. Twenty years ago, in the UK, it was laudable to be the dog’s bollocks: and I was. I’ve been radical, happening, hip and the shiznik. Although I’ve never written whilst I’ve been poorly, I’ve done it whilst I’ve been ill and, as I said at the start of this blog [insert hand gesture] I can do it whilst I’m sick.

All of which is my way of saying I can’t write about this week’s theme from a genuine and honest perspective. If I’m feeling sick (without the hand gesture) or poorly, regardless of deadlines or demands, the writing takes a back seat whilst I regale everyone within earshot of my misery, and generally feel sorry for myself.

Fortunately, my health appears to be the bomb and all good at the moment. I’m not amped about the situation…

And I’m going to lose the slang words now.

I admire those authors on this blog (and those people who have commented) who can write when they’re not feeling well: but I’m not like those super humans. Kudos to all you guys for your heroic efforts. I think you’re all bad and wicked, and you know I mean that in a good way.