Thursday, January 5, 2012

Dona Juana Predicts

I assume everyone here knows that the Mayan Calendar predicts the end of the world in 2012, right? However, some say this just means the end of the world as we know it, and that things will change for the better.

To clear up any confusion, I’m channelling Dona Juana the Mayan Seer (given a Spanish name like Juan Diego, the Aztec peasant who reported seeing a vision of the Virgin Mary in Mexico in 1531) to explain it all for us. The fact that “Jean” translates into Spanish as “Juana” is a lucky coincidence, but only for those who fail to see the Grand Design of the Universe, in which nothing happens at random (muahaha), and “coincidences” are really clues.

O ye Children of the Light, you will be saved from unspeakable suffering if you dig deeply into your pockets and send me a generous donation.

Oops. The wrong personality came through. It's like picking up the radio station that plays Top-40 tunes all day long when you were looking for classic jazz. Turning the dial slowly . . .

Children of Fear, there will be war.

Dona Juana, you may speak Spanish if you prefer.

No. One language of the conquistadores is as good as another. I know that few of you understand the language of my childhood. You may consider this a clue.

Please explain.

History repeats itself. The rich eat the poor until the poor rise up in bigger numbers and eat the rich. Then it begins again.

Por favor, Dona, please tell us why the Mayan prophesies end in 2012.

Oh, that was my cousin the scribe. He ran out of patience.

Or ink.

Mostly patience. He grew tired of repeating the same prediction: there will be war, treachery, lies, pestilence, famine, slaughter and the occasional bad joke that doesnt translate well. There will be great sex and feasting and sunshine and children and friendly animals and shiny toys, but none of these pleasures will prevent suffering and death.

He should have indicated that the story goes on.

Maybe he thought it was obvious. But it only goes on for the human race as a whole. The story ends for every one of us. Sometimes it ends for a whole -- however you want to say it -- nation, tribe.

Here is what you need to know: you will die. No matter how you try to outrun Death, she will find you and take you away. This will happen even if you are spared from war, pestilence and famine and spend a fortune on cosmetic surgery so you can eventually bear an eerie resemblance to your own grandchildren.

Is that the great prediction?

Thats it. What says it better than words that come to an end?

I feel cheated.

Not my problem. Next time, ask me to tell you the story of the jaguar and the snake. You might find it more entertaining.



  1. Hello, Jean,

    I want to hear about the Jaguar and the Snake.

    Great post, though. Cuts to the chase.

  2. I want to read about the Jaguar and the Snake too!

    And I love the prediction of bad jokes that don't translate well.

    I hope your semester gets a bit calmer.

  3. Very zen like. The only thing we know for sure is that we're going to die. A prediction of war is a good bet too.



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