"Pick your era," he says. "We have flagellation brothels, sword and sandal, Roman slave girls. Gladiators."
"What era did Dracula live in?"
"What, when he was alive, like Vlad the Impaler alive, or when he was a vampire?"
"The book," she says, "that was Victorian right?"
"You feel like Victorian tonight? We've got Victorian. And Roman slave girls.
"'Hold high your succulent quim, he ejaculated,'."
"We've got this roman slave girl thing," he says. "I can read that to you."
"You have such an un-liberal thing for slave girls," she says, "You scare me. What is it about slave girls?
"I think slave girl stories are sexy."
"Why? Because they can't say no to you? Right? You just switch it on and off you go."
"Maybe. A little."
"You're very passive, you know that?"
"Oh stop. Not that again."
"No, you are. You want a woman who can't say no to you. That's your passive fantasy."
"No, it's not."
"Yes! It really is. That's the very description of a passive male. You either want women to do you, or you want a woman who can't say no to you."
"Is that supposed to be getting me hot?"
"I don't know." She waved her hands. "Hold the slave girl stuff for a while. Hey - did you know there's this story in the Bible where these two daughters commit incest with their father?"
"That's seriously fucked up."
"Oh, the Bible, its amazing what's in there. Pass it to me. I know where it is, somewhere around Sodom and Gomorrah."
"Oh, I'll bet."
"No - these were the good guys. The ones who got away."
"God spared them and they fucked their father?"
He reached down to the bottom shelf where the larger books were kept. He lifted out a heavy white leather bound Bible and tossed it to her. She caught it in her arms. "Show me."
She checked the concordance in the back, caressing the pages thoughtfully with her fingertips, as he watched, suddenly admiring her. She still had her girlish habits from her school days. He waited wondering if she would still do it – was she - yes - there it was. The pink tip of her tongue, touching the doorstep of her lower lip as she concentrated, the way she did when they met in study hall half a lifetime ago.
She flipped through the Bible with scholarly authority, ran her finger down a column. "Here. Genesis 19:30."
"Tell it sister."
"The Bible sez - 'Now Lot went out of Zoar and dwelt in the hills with his two daughters for he was afraid to dwell in Zoar so he dwelt in a cave with his two daughters. And the first born said to the younger ‘Our father is old and there is not a man to come into us after the manner of all the Earth. Come let us make our father drink wine and we will lie with him so that we may preserve offspring through our father.’ "
"Whoa! They fucked him?" He gasped, thought. "That is kind of hot."
"Oh my god you're gross."
"No,” he says, “you’ve got these two horny women living in a cave. They don't want to fuck their father but what if a guy came along, say, me, came along, ‘hey there you girls in the cave all alone’. I just killed this deer. Let's cook it up and spend the night. Want to have some kids?' "
"You know these girls are going to come after you with all they got."
"That's sexy as hell."
"That's passive male behavior. You’re not working for it."
"I’m bringing them dinner. Why they want to fuck their old man anyway? What’s that?"
"It's about lineage. The old tribal people were serious about preserving lineage. They were trying to do their father a favor by not letting his blood line die out."
"Yeah, but its nasty."
"You didn't think so a minute ago."
"If you read Matthew these people were part of Jesus' blood line. Really."
“Jesus was descended from these father-fucking people?"
"Kind of. Yeah."
"God is good. I guess. So does that get the machinery humming for you? It kind of does me."
"The machinery isn't humming yet."
"You're a tough sell tonight."
"Oh - pass the soy sauce. What is it?"
He went to the middle book shelf, ran his hands along the spine and drew out a thin book “Ten Questions on Joining Yin and Yang”.
"To master the Eight Pluses, rise at dawn, lengthen your spine, flex and relax your buttocks. During the joining of yin and yang through intercourse let your spine be loose, contract your perineal muscles and conduct the seven energies to your sexual organs below the Tan Tien. Exert pressure downward. This is called Accumulating Energy. Do not go in and out too rapidly or with too high frequency. Thrust in and out gently and gliding and with control. This is called Gentle Moistening. When finished, withdraw the Jade Stalk erect. This is called Stabilizing the Erection. These are called the Eight pluses."
She was sitting with her mouth open. "Oh my gawd . . . "
"That is the most unsexy thing I've ever heard. I feel like doing the laundry now."
"Its actually good advice. Just a little clinical is all."
"That is the most mechanical shit. It's all about number. The eight what? Why eight? Why not twelve or fourteen? Its like that thing you read in the Kama Sutra that's supposed to make the woman bark like a dog when she comes.”
“You scream for Jesus when you come. You could bark like a dog.”
“You don’t even vocalize. I wish you would sometimes, just let it out and yell like Tarzan.”
“I can yell like Tarzan.”
“Hey - want to hear the first horny thing I ever read, ever? Pass me that Desmond Morris book."
"The little green paperback with the naked guy. Yeah."
He hands it to her. She flips through it. "When I was in junior high?" she says, "Someone passed this around. It was the first time I ever read what happens when people fuck. 'In this particular instance we know that the female of the species has developed a particular susceptibility to the sexual stimulation of the clitoris. When we remember that this organ is the female homologue of the male penis this does seem to point to the fact that in origin at any rate, the female orgasm is a borrowed male pattern.' "
"That's not true!" he says. "Its the other way around. All embryos start female. They become male in the womb. Fetuses start with a clitoris and testosterone turns it into a dick. He's got it backasswards."
" ' This also explains why the male has the largest penis of any primate.' "
"Now I like him."
" 'Copulation starts with the insertion of the male's penis into the females vagina. The male then begins a series of rhythmic pelvic thrusts.' Really. You can't beat that."
"Like Hemingway. Like Updike and Hemingway together."
" 'The copulatory phase is typically much briefer than the pre copulatory phase.' Yeah, especially with you. 'The male reaches the con. . . conson . . . con-sum-ma-tory act of sperm ejaculation in most cases unless deliberate delaying tactics are employed.' "
"Consummatory. Wow. I wanna consummate your ass."
"Wait for the copulatory phase to begin first."
"Soon. After the precopulatory phase is over.”
“How will I know that?”
“Sometime after the commencement phase of nipple erection as a variation of sexual signaling. I’ll make sure you know."
"If you say so."
"Actually I really like this," she says "It still gets me. I wanked off with it when I was a kid."
"So it’s about muscle memory. I really like slave girls."
"There's something creepy about you. Really."
"Okay, now that we agree." He pulls a paperback with a girl on the cover in a torn Roman tunic, climbs onto the bed, leans back and rests his head in the valley between her breasts, snuggling side to side close. He feels her chin touching the top of his head as her hand strokes his hair. "Page 57," he says, "'You are my property girl, know you that, he said, smiling cruelly.’ How do you smile cruelly? Is it like this?”
“Please don’t do that again.”
“The weeping girls face flushed crimson as his eyes bored into her- "
"Ouch," she says.
" - bored into her - "
"Like with a power drill? From Home Depot?"
"Shut up. Bored into her. His eyes bored into her with a Black and Decker drill and a 35mm auger bit -
"Baby you're so big - "
"So his eyeballs, they do this boring and he says 'turn around and lean against the table. If you move or cry out I'll flog you."
"Flog me. Copulate me."
"Yes," he says. "Slap slap, spanky spanky. Now - ' slowly she turned, blushing with a hint of hidden desires and the possibility of secret delights. Grasping her tunic, Lucretius wrenched it away in a single swipe of his powerful masculine hand and exposed his throbbing member. Roughly he parted her knees and with a groan he entered her."
"No!" she says "Stop. Stop, just stop, now you've blown it."
"I didn't write it, what have I blown?"
"Entered? Really? With his member? Member of what? Club Med? Does your member ever throb?”
“No, but I –“
“Do I make you throb? Do I make your member throb?”
“Christ. Why does he - "
"She. It's a she wrote this."
"Why the fuck does she or he or it always have to say 'enter'? How do you enter someone?"
"You just enter them. Maybe groaning helps."
"I mean, even Lot's daughters, they let their dad 'come in to' them at least, 'like all manner of the Earth', whatever that is. That's nice. Poetic. They didn't make him enter them."
"Like entering a hotel lobby?"
"Enter me! Enter me, baby, enter me now."
"Hold still while I insert myself."
"Yes! Insert yourself! Enter me! Insert me! Now! Now!"
"Shall I insert your bags upstairs after I enter you?"
"I hope you're not expecting a tip after you enter me, I don't carry cash."
"What if," he said, "what if a guy could enter you and then, like, move in?"
"Live there right inside your pussy."
"Just enter me and set up housekeeping in there?"
"Like being born but in reverse. I enter you, warm up my dinner, maybe room service down in there, snug at home inside your pussy. After I enter you, that is."
"Take your shoes off after you've moved into my pussy and close the door when you poop. Don't leave your hairs in the sink."
"Turn on the TV, looking for HBO after I've entered your pussy and unpacked, catch up on Game of Thrones and take a nice hot shower inside your pussy. Or the adult channels."
"So you've entered my pussy and unpacked your stuff and you're eating Chinese food in your underwear living inside my pussy, all tucked away and watching porn? And whacking off? In my pussy? Shouldn't you eating my pussy instead of Chinese food? Passive!"
"No, wait, let me check the air conditioning, its humid here inside your pussy. Maybe I should call the desk."
"Hey!" she says, seriously. "Isn't there a fish?"
"A fish? In your pussy? Kinky."
"No. Is it there?" She points up at the bookcase. "There was this fish you showed me. Black, really ugly black fish with glass pointy teeth."
His eyes glazed over for a moment thinking.
"With this thing on his head," she says, "Looks like his dick is hanging off his forehead."
He goes back to the bookcase, runs his finger over the spines. "Here," and pulls out a large flat science textbook of marine life. "And actually it’s the lady angler fish that looks like she has a big prick growing out of her forehead. A long one that glows."
"That's very handy having a dick where you can reach it. I could go for that."
"As long as she doesn't try to give herself a blow job. Ow."
He passes her the book, open to the page on the anger fish and she looks.
“When ceratioid males are ready for reproductive activity, with their extraordinary olfactory sense they follow a dedicated pheromone to a female, who will often aid their search further by flashing her bio-luminescent lure. Once the male finds the female, he bites into her belly and drools a chemical that dissolves skin effectively fusing his jaws in the area of her ovaries within. Their skin joins together as do their blood vessels, which allows the male to take all the nutrients he needs from his host/mate’s blood while exchanging a perpetual ejaculation of sperm to her ovaries whenever she ready for spawning. The two fish essentially become one body until death. . . “
She looks at him hard. "I just think that's so fucking hot. Just think - he fucks her forever. Forever! Without ever stopping. That's all he does ever. And not just one – more than one. A whole Fire Station battalion of them."
"God is good," he says.
"Come here," she says, holding out her arms. He lays down beside her, his hand slipping inside her nightgown, finding her breast. "Angle me," she says.