Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Reality Bites

While my toy box has several penises in it, I don’t have a biocock. That means I haven’t experienced every sexual act that I’ve written about. However, never one to let a thing like that- or lack of a thing- stop me, I’ve found ways around this problem. Research is the key.

While R is willing to humor my quest for knowledge, he’s a terrible interview subject in the middle of sex. Sorry, but it’s true. Picture me as the Count Rugen from the movie the Princess Bride. Except female. And with only five fingers. Now picture R as the Dread Pirate Roberts, strapped down to the torture rack in the albino’s dungeon. He’s wearing a pair of those sexy thigh-high black leather pirate boots, his shirt open to reveal his hairy chest, pants bulging… (Note to self: yum)

Count Kathleen: Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to get this good at blow jobs. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in your penis. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how this blow job makes you feel.

[Count Kathleen stops just as R is getting to the point of no return. R writhes]

Count Kathleen: [calmly] So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?

[R fights desperately against his leather shackles to get Count Kathleen to bring him to climax]

Count Kathleen: Interesting.

Since my in-depth interviews don’t always work out, sometimes I have to resort to other hands-on research. My latest adventure into Fetish/Kinkland was playing with liquid latex. Unless I can smell, touch, feel, and make a horrible disaster of something like that, I generally don’t feel confident enough to write it. So I bought some, and R happily agreed to help apply it. I am now the proud owner of a latex cast of my breasts. The latex caught every nuance of my nipples. It was, um, interesting. But it didn't turn me on. R, on the other hand, really, really enjoyed the whole process. I got my story; he got the happy ending. We’re such a team.

The sad truth though is that reality bites. In a story, both R and I would have been turned on by the liquid latex. In stories, people are ready for sex at the same moment. Lovers can give and take exactly what the other wants or needs. We all know that real life isn’t like that. So even though this week’s topic was about what we’ve really done, trust me, the fantasy is much better. Except, maybe, R in a Dread Pirate Roberts outfit.


  1. As...you...wish.........

    I had to take a laugh break while reading. But it's so true, fantasy is better than reality, or at least neater.

    Don't mind me, I remain your stalker fan-girl.

  2. Nw I'm waiting to read what you have to say onthe subject.

  3. Hi, Kathleen,

    You're much more diligent than I am. I hardly ever do research hands-on research these days. I just rely on my intuitions--although I definitely may ask for input on a story from more knowledgeable individuals.

    If I ever want to write about liquid latex, I now know who I should call!


  4. Lisabet,
    If you didn't live so far away, I'd send you my kit.

  5. Kathleen,

    Fiction will always be better than reality - although maybe not as satisfying.

    Great post!



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