Friday, June 25, 2010

I want my cake, and I want to eat it too!

I've been called a lot of things since I came out, "fence sitter" being the most common, "greedy" being the oddest. I've been told that I should try to have my cake and eat it too. That I need to pick just one sexuality and stick with it.

Some people just can't, and don't want to, comprehend that to me, enjoying both sexes is like breathing. I can chose not to breath, but eventually I will pass out and my autonomic system will take over and voila! Air will be sucked into my starving lungs.

Same thing.

I can say to myself, I am only going to look at men, particularly my husband. But I would be lying to myself, and him, if I said I actually held to it. Thankfully, he knows I am bi, he accepts that I am bi, and (not so thankfully) he teases me that I am in fact a lesbian. (Generally when he feels we haven't been "close enough" recently enough. TMI I know).

I've known since I was thirteen or fourteen years old that I like girls. It took me until fifteen to realize guys weren't so bad either.

I think women are sexy. The sleek lines of a female body, the curves and valleys. And the sweet scents that women can have. It's enough to turn my head.

Then again, I also like the hard planes of a man's abs, the velvety feel of flesh over toned (and tanned) muscle. Guys can be so very hot!

Yet I find that most of my characters are either one or the other, either heterosexual or lesbian/gay. Other than some very, very, very short erotic pieces, only one story features a ménage couple with a bisexual character, and that is set on a far away planet, where the three are stranded.

I think mostly because being bisexual can be harder at times than being one or the other. (Not saying it always is, that will very by the person, but I know in my personal experience, I have often wished I was just one or the other - straight or lesbian). Even with an understanding husband, there is always fear, and anxiety, and heartbreak. Plus, there are people who make comments like those above - like I chose to be bisexual just to screw with their chances of getting a date.

I want to eventually find a woman who I can be with, who I can enjoy more than a friendship, or a quick fling, with. But I would be asking a damn lot of her, knowing that leaving my husband for her wouldn't be on the agenda. Instead, I would like to have a poly relationship, a truly functional three-way relationship. I could even handle it if she had a man of her own. In fact, that would be the true ideal, to find another married (or at least long-term committed) bisexual woman. Someone who isn't looking for a full-time relationship, but at the same time, someone who also isn't looking for a one-night stand. If her husband should happen to golf, that would be even better. We could sent the guys out golfing and enjoy some quiet time. *wiggles eyebrows*

Yet I know there are so many things that can stand in the way of a poly relationships –jealousy, envy, worry about someone finding out and judging, etc.

So it is very hard for me to create a world where my characters are able to pull off something that I can't even being to mentally plot all the possible issues of. I really marvel at the authors that can.

Maybe one day ...

... on both counts. : )


  1. I can't really understand why anyone cares about another person's sexual preferences. Why are they willing to get so hot and bothered about what you may be doing...unless, perhaps, it really makes them hot and bothered and that scares them.

    Have you noticed that more females say they are uncomfortable with lesbianism than men...and that supposedly straight men seem to be less accepting of M/M love than females? Hmm...

    Fear based organized religions play a part in all of this but, in the end, we can only hope to be true to who we really are.

    Thank goodness you and your husband are secure enough to be happy in your lives. Good for you!

  2. Michelle - You have my sympathies. On the other hand, with more women coming out as bisexual, maybe your scenario isn't too farfetched. It would make a great book. *hint, hint* You could even title it "Having Her Cake"

  3. Michelle;

    I find the whole idea of bisexuality incredibly sexy. The odd thing for me, if my wife had an affair with a woman I'm pretty sure it wouldn't bother me half as much or maybe at all as it would if it were a man. I may be wrong, but that's how it seems. Bring her home, bring her in, the more the merrier.


  4. Dear Michelle,

    I strongly identify! Actually, my husband and I tried for years to find another couple with whom we could build a polyamorous relationship. However, I'm not sure that this is something that yields to deliberate effort. Either you meet the right person/people or you don't.

    I find it fascinating that you realized you were attracted to women before guys. I didn't really understand that there was a sexual component to the love I felt for my girlfriends until I was in my late teens.

    Thanks for a great post. And I really do think you should try writing a polyamory tale that explores your own fantasies.


  5. Donna -- I don't know if they are actually scared of being hot and bothered, or if they have such egos that they feel threatened like "Oh my god, she's in to girls, she going to hit on ME". Yeah right! LOL

    Either way, it owuld be nice to not have to hide half of who I am. I figure, by the time I am done hiding my bisexuality and my writings, you only get to know the less interesting me - the student and "good worker/family" me.


  6. Kathleen -- Thanks hon.

    LOL With the book, I could go for the other slant and call it "The golfers' widows" too. LOL


  7. Garce -- I know when hubby and I had our problems, it really wouldn't have hurt near as bad had it been another man he was with, rather than another woman. I dated a bisexual guy once, and he had a boyfriend at one point, and it didn't bother me. Too bad he was a complete asshole.

    Just like I know I could come home late one night, after hanging out with friends, with lipstick on my collar and all hubby would want to know is if someone took photos. And if I had fun. LOL

    Then again, he would probably be thrilled at such a spontaneous impulse on my part. I tend to weight the consequences of each moment until they pass on by.


  8. Lisabet -- I definitly agree. I am not going to go hunting for it, but if an opportunity comes along, I will definitly be open to it.

    I had my first kiss, and it was with a girl, at age 8. We were both curious what it was like. Neither of us was really impressed by it, if I remember correctly. But it certainly stuck with me. And I didn't kiss a boy until I was 15.


  9. Hello, Michelle. I read your blog with interest, and found myself also shaking my head in disappointment for you and all who feel the same way. In my home town of Brisbane, Australia, we have a free newspaper. There is a section at the end called "Vent Your Spleen" and it's awash with really pointless stuff. People venturing opinions about a TV show they saw the night before, people throwing their two cents worth at the comments other people made. A while back they had this utter gem:

    “TWO PRONGED: Bisexuality is a joke. You’re straight or you’re gay. If you say you’re bi then either it’s time to make your mind up and stop being greedy, or you’re a faux-daring attention-seeker that is addicted to conflict.”

    I weep metaphorically for people like yourself who are subjected to this ridiculous form of bigotry, and also for the stunted lives of people who hold such reprehensible views. I was going to write a scene where a teenager walks up to their parents and says "Mum...Dad...I really have to tell you something. I'm heterosexual." and the parents look at each other then back at the kid and say "Are you sure? You're so young."

  10. Hi Michelle,

    I don't see there's anything wrong with a person having their cake and eating it. Also, having written two books on swinging and poly-style relationships, I know that it does happen for some people.



  11. Willsin -- Thank you for your kind support and your comment. I still remember what my mother told me when I told her I was bisexual. "It's just a phase, you'll grow out of it." Um, what? True, I was only 15. But still. I truly think she could have handled it better had I said I was a lesbian.

  12. Ash -- I never thought there was anything wrong with it either, but evidently, I was wrong. LOL Been known to happen from time to time.


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